Monday, August 20, 2007

Well, God is gone again!

Well, God is gone again! No, He has not moved but it seems that I have. I am in what some of the Saints spoke of as a “desert” phase. This is a time when you go to the well, but find nothing to drink. Nothing to really grab onto that will quench the deep down thirst you feel. That time when you can find nothing to fill the hole in your soul. Why I find myself in this place is not near as important as how and when I will leave.
Yes, I guess you could say there is a lot going on in my little corner of the world – our son Billy leaves for the FBI Academy in a couple of weeks. Billy and I have never been separated for more than a few days since he was born. He is a grown man now with a son of his own and is trying to do what is best for his family. I am very proud of Billy; he has accomplished what few people do. He has worked hard to reach the first rung on the ladder of becoming a FBI Agent. At the end of 6 months Billy, Mont and Hunter will move to who knows where. Then there is the whole work thing, with the company being sold none of us really know what will happen. Can’t leave out my upcoming birthday, nothing like a good “old” birthday to make one ponder the meaning of life. Put all these things in a bag and shake them up and when you dump them out there will be sand in the bottom of the bag.
So, I have got to pull myself up and shake the sand off my sandals and move on. This is not a new place I find myself in; I am a frequent visitor to this arid land. I spent almost a year wondering in this dry land after my Mom and Dad died. I wasn’t mad at God; my parents had lived a long wonderful life. This did not and does not keep me from missing them each and every day. For many months I simply had nothing to say to God and figured He didn’t have much to say to me. I went to several retreats during that time seeking the answer that would restore my breaking heart. It was not until an old guy in a class I was teaching at church utter a few words that shook me back to reality. I made mention that I had not been able to pray since my parents died. The old guy looked at me and said “we can never stop praying, never. Prayer is the greatest gift God gave us.” It was at that moment I left the desert and once again felt the rain on my face. Yes, prayer is one of the greatest gifts God gave us. A way to talk directly to our creator. A way to make our needs know to the One that can truly provide.
I am not so far out in the desert this time that I have stopped talking to God nor have I lost the ability to hear His small still voice. I am simply skirting around the edge, kicking the sand with the toe of my sandal every now and again. I am not so far in that I can no longer see the beautiful sun rises and sunsets that God sends my way – or enjoy the endless calls from Hunter “Ya Ya lets go, it will be great fun”. As I say I am just skirting around the edge of the dry land, but I also realize it would not take much letting go before I can no longer feel or hear God.
How am I going to keep from getting sucked into the vortex that is as close to Hell as one will know here on earth – separation from God. Well, I will spend more time in the word, I will read my bible. I will make more time to pray and listen. I will listen to the old gospel songs from my childhood, the ones that reminds of “What A Friend I have in Jesus”, and the one that tells of His “Amazing Grace”. I will sing along at the top of my lungs – remembering that “Those that sing pray twice”. I will lean on Tom, my shelter from all storms, my strength when I have none of my own.
They say that which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger – a walk in the “desert periods” of life will not kill you but they can truly make you wish for death. Today I am dancing on the edge of a vast wasteland – I intend to pray and sing and dance my way right back into the arms of my loving God.
Come dance and sing with me!

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