One of the ways I choose to grieve - tattoos are not for everyone

This is the tattoo I got shortly after Tom died - below is the explanation as to why I choose this one.

He was my strength - my soft place to land - the roots of my life that kept me anchored.  He is the one that I always knew would be there - no matter what - his love was the closest thing to unconditional love I will experience this side of heaven.  He held the strings of my heart in his hands and played them every so gracefully - just enough tension in the strings to keep me grounded and enough slack to let me adventure out.  One of  my joys in life is traveling down back roads that I have no idea where they will lead - but I never went too far that my roots did not draw me back to him.  

The strings have been cut and roots dug up and left exposed to the weather - where the waves of grief wash over the roots and the wind of sadness play over the strings.  Those roots once held me so tightly that I felt I could not take my next breath if they were ever loosened.  I have learned to breath without them but I continue to stretch out my hand in search of the strings and roots that were my life.  He still reaches back - but I cannot feel his touch.  

And now I grieve him -

When my husband died, I was so grateful for the love and support that I received from friends, family, coworkers… Everyone. I have never felt anything but love and gratitude, and even a little bit of peace, from all of it. So many people came to the funeral, and it was beautiful. We laughed and cried, it was perfect.

And then everyone went home. Everyone except me.

I never felt as though I went home from that funeral. He was my home, I felt homeless. I was a wife without a husband, a left without a right. I will never forget how strange my house suddenly felt without him. It went from a home to a house. My life was upside down and backwards, and it felt oddly like a prosthetic life. It was mine, I knew it was mine because when I opened my eyes there it was. But it didn’t feel like mine, it didn’t look like mine, it didn’t move when I told it to move. It wasn’t mine, but it is what I was left with after mine was ripped away.

I never went home from my husband’s funeral. Not to the home that I once knew. Instead I had to learn how to build a whole new home from the scraps of the old. I’m still building, I’m still scraping.

The life I had started with him ended. I miss what was, but more than that I miss what could have been. I miss the life that I was supposed to have. I miss the anniversaries that I will never have with him. I miss hearing about his day at work. I miss texting him all day long about every little thing in my day. I miss his jokes. I miss his laugh. I miss the sound of his voice when he’d tell me he loves me. I miss him.

So to everyone who came to his funeral and then went home, I am glad you came. I am glad you were there for me. I am glad you were there for him. I am grateful for all of it. I struggle to find the words to tell you how much you have done for me by being there for him, and then me. And I hope that you never stand in my shoes. What I want is for you to be grateful for what you have. Honor what I have lost by being grateful for what you have. Love completely, fight less often, find more opportunities to show compassion and love to someone who needs it. Look at your families and know that there is someone out there who is missing theirs. You went to a funeral and then you went home. Don’t take that for granted.

Finding a new normal

This maybe more information than you need and from now on updates will be more along the line of – Chemo today – doing really good not sick or had a good day today went out to lunch.

As you know in 2007 Tom was diagnosed with myelofibrosis (MF)– quiet a shock 6 months to a year to live.  This changed very quickly once we found the right doctor to take charge of his treatment.  After this dx we had to find our new “normal” and we settled back into a fairly normal life.  Adjustments were made for the days that Tom just did not have the energy to really do anything – we learned to enjoy the good days and sit with each other during the not so perfect ones.  Doctor appointments every few days became a part of our routine

In June of last year Tom kept having one urinary tract infection after the next, the doctor could not get it to clear up.  Dr. Nicholson decided to go in and take a look at inside of the bladder – a tumor was found and 6 treatments of BCG followed (a type of chemo put directly into the bladder).  Then Dr. N went back in and the tumor was back – removed tumor and 6 more rounds of BCG with interferon – back in to take a look – tumors are back.  It is now late Feb – Dr. N sent us to Dr. Shelfo – CAT scan was ordered – Dr. S went in to look at bladder this time  3 tumors were found and removed – then the results of the CAT scan came back and showed a lesion on the liver – it was not there last June - back for biopsy of liver  - this came back as bladder cancer that had spread to the liver. Keep in mind that each time Dr. N or Dr. S went in to the bladder all biopsy’s outside the bladder were negative – it was not in the muscle of the bladder of the lymph nodes around the bladder.  How did it get outside the liver – no one really knows – cancer does not follow any hard and fast rules.

Keep in mind if you are going on line and and doing any reading – this is NOT liver cancer – It is STAGE 4 bladder cancer that has spread to the liver.

We reached out to Dr. Winton who is the doctor at Emory that has been treating the MF and head of the oncology dept at Emory.  It took him a few days to find the guy he want to take care of Tom.  Dr. Crawford – he is in the same department as Dr. Winton and they can communicate directly on what the best approach for treatment is. MF adds a whole new diminution to the treatment Tom can and cannot receive.  To date there are no studies on how patients with MF and on Jakafi react to chemo.  They will be working very closely.

Our visit with Dr. C on Wednesday was not what either of us were expecting to hear – yes we knew the lesion in the liver was cancer but it was small – 3cmm – our thoughts were they could go in and remove that section of the liver then surgery to remove the bladder – some chemo and then good another 5 to 10 years.  No one had led us to believe any different.

Dr. C was very nice and very informative but he gave us very little hope that there would be a cure.  Of course there are miracles and God has worked many – but reality for now is 6 months with no treatment and hopefully a year or so with treatment.

We are all trying to process this information right now and that ain’t easy.  So far Tom has shared these thoughts with me –
1. He is not afraid of death – the process of dying is a bit of another issue.  He vows to fight for as long as it is feasible.  Exact words – millions of people have been through chemo and so can I.
2. Right now he says he is a bit numb but knows that feeling will change – change to what not sure.
3. He will not shut us out but ask that we respect his right to make the decision as to when he wants us “in”.  He wants to go through the first round of chemo – starting June 4 – and see what it looks like on the other side.
4. He wants to die at home in his own bed not a hospital bed.
5. He wants to be cremated – I will keep his ashes – when I die I will be cremated – our ashes put together and buried
6. He will make all the arrangements for his funeral
7. He does not want me to be alone when he dies
8. As long as he can he gets to make the decisions about HIM

So, now we come to today – I did not work and have informed them at work Tom comes first and when needed I will be at home and if that does not fit into their plans to let me know, so far they say they will support me 100% but we all know how quickly that can change and if it does I will simply stop working draw my SSI and unemployment but Tom will come first – period.  We went to lunch at RuSuns, then to Whole Foods and picked up some stakes for this weekend.  Tom can tolerate about 4 hours of moderate activity – dinning, shopping.  His appetite is still good – down a bit since we picked up some bug from one of the snotty nose  peaty  dish kids at the hospital   - but hoping it will pick back up.  He has only lost 3 pounds.

Please, understand that I love each of you and I do not ever want to leave you out or hurt your feelings BUT – Tom comes first and I will do whatever necessary to make sure that his wishes are respected.  I also know that I cannot do this alone and will depend on you guys to help me navigate the unknown waters ahead

My prayer is that none of you ever have to experience this roller coaster ride from Hell we have been thrown on to

Grandma's Hands

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her, she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat, I wondered if she was okay.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was okay. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. 'Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking,' she sa id in a clear voice strong.

'I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands, and I wanted to make sure you were okay,' I explained to her.

'Have you ever looked at your hands?' she asked. 'I mean, really looked at your hands?'

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

'Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled, and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor.

'They put food in my mou th and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.

'They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band, they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse.

'They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.

'They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well, these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.

'These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly, it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when He leads me home. And with my hands, He will lift me to His side, and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ.'

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home.

When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband, I think of Grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God. I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.

When you receive this, say a prayer for the person who sent it to you, and watch God's answer to prayer work in your life. Let's continue praying for one another.

Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend will bless you both. Passing this on to one not yet considered a friend is something Christ would do.

-Author Unknown

The Big C -

Being a Deacon – a servant of God – does not make you immune to the BIG C!
Tom and I have begun a journey we have traveled with many other people – both family and friends. We received the news last week from Tom’s doctor – he has prostate cancer. In deep recesses of our mind we knew this day would come but knowing that it is a real possibility does not lessen the blow when you receive the news. Processing the information received becomes a full time job – it is mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally draining. Trying to educate yourself about test results and possible treatment is a daunting task. This is the rest of your life you’re making a decision about and you don’t want to make a mistake.
Trying to pray for God’s guidance instead of shaking your fist at Him and screaming “WHY” is difficult. Oh, yeah me and the Big Guy have had words over this – but ultimately I know He will be there by our side as we walk this path and we will need all the grace He has to offer.
My only hope is that I can be the strong support that Tom needs. Tom is the only person in the world that I have ever leaned on completely and never had to worry about let me fall. Everyone talks about how strong I am – how I take charge and make things happen – have to say I have been told more than once that I can be a bit intimidating. Well, I am able to be all of those things because I know that Tom has my back, that no matter how bad the day has been he will be there when I get home to just let me be me. He is truly the Wind Beneath my Wings and there have been times when he has had to work hard to keep me up in the air. He has never complained and in all the years we have been married he has never raised his voice to me. Hey, he cooks and goes grocery shopping too – yes, yes I know how lucky I am.
When I count my blessings I count Tom twice. That is why I do not want to have my time with him shortened by even one day. The good news is that they doctors seem to think they have caught the cancer in the early stages. We will know more once the surgery is complete and all biopsies returned.
Please, keep us in your prayers.

Quiz about deacons - How much do you know about being a Catholic Deacon

A Quiz About Deacons

How much do you know about the permanent diaconate? Here's a special challenge for you: Take the following quiz about deacons and their role. The answers just might surprise you!

TRUE OR FALSE:

1. Deacons are ordained clergy.

2. There have always been permanent deacons in the Roman Catholic Church.

3. A married deacon is expected to place the Church as a priority above his wife and family.

4. The wife of a deacon is called a deaconess.

5. A single or widowed deacon is expected to remain celibate the rest of his life.

6. The deacon works for the bishop of the diocese he serves, not the priest of the local parish.

7. Deacons serve the Catholic Church primarily through the liturgy of the Mass.

8. Lay ministries are not needed in parishes with a deacon.

9. Deacons do not have the same formation as priests.

10. There are more deacons in the United States than in all other countries combined.


Here are the answers to the quiz:

1. TRUE. There are three levels of holy orders in the Catholic Church. The diaconate is the first level; it functions as the service ministry of Christ. In other words, deacons are servants, called to embody the work of Christ in service of justice, the Word and the altar. There are as many ways of serving as there are deacons. All deacons can baptize, witness marriages, bring the viaticum to the dying, and preside at
funerals. They proclaim the gospel and may serve as the homilist at mass. Like John the Baptist, they lead a prophetic life of service for the benefit of the Church.

The priesthood is the second level of holy orders. A priest is ordained a deacon prior to being ordained a priest. Priests stand in the place of Christ himself as they celebrate the sacraments of Eucharist, Reconciliation, and Anointing of the Sick. They carry a spiritual responsibility for the community of faith they serve. Through the sacraments and ministries of the Church, priests manifest the presence of Christ in the world.

Bishops are ordained to the fullness of holy orders. They fully convey the leadership of Christ as Prophet, Priest and King. They shepherd the churches entrusted to their care (with the help of priests and deacons), and safeguard the gospel that has been passed down to us from the Apostles themselves. They lead their dioceses in communion with the Pope and all the other bishops of the world.

2. FALSE. To be fair, this is a trick question! There have always been deacons in the Church. In Acts of the Apostles, the apostles assign the service ministries of the Church to seven deacons. Several saints in the early Church were deacons, some of whom later became bishops, like St. Athanasius. In general, up until 500-600 A.D., their duties were similar to those of today's deacons. They were especially instrumental in helping the Church spread across Europe.

The permanent diaconate gradually disappeared during the Middle Ages. Monasteries and convents were providing charity originally associated with the service of deacons. The liturgical role of the deacon received greater emphasis over works of charity. Gradually, the diaconate became a transitional step to priesthood.

Vatican II restored the office of the permanent diaconate. There were three main reasons for this action. The restoration would return to the Church the full complement of ordained ministries handed down from the Apostles. The new deacons would confirm and highlight the work of the Holy Spirit already present in the Church. Finally, deacons would bring sacramental service to areas where priests are scarce.

3. FALSE. A married man who is ordained a deacon in the Catholic Church is expected to honor his first commitment in the sacrament of marriage, with the Church's blessing. The Church will not ordain the man unless his wife gives her consent in writing. A married deacon often must juggle a secular job, his family responsibilities and his service as deacon. This is not a vocation for the faint of heart!

The relationship between marriage and holy orders is an interesting one. In Eph 5:22-32, the marriage between a man and a woman is compared to the marriage between Christ and his Church. The passage, in effect, says that each one must serve the other in love. Christ came to serve rather than be served. The man has already been a deacon (Greek diakonia means "to serve") to his wife, and she to him. Thus, his ordination to the diaconate is an affirmation of the Christian service evidenced in his marriage.

The unity of the deacon and his wife is a sign to the entire parish of the unity of Christ with his Church. Often, the deacon's wife serves the parish or local community in a concrete way herself. After ordination, the deacon and his wife may work together in various ways to build up the Kingdom of God. The beauty of the diaconate is that the question of exercising "power" is replaced with the solid emphasis upon service. Those who would see the wife of a deacon as "used" and not appreciated are missing the point. Christ humbled himself to union with us. In a very real way, the deacon and his wife both embody this divine humility.

4. FALSE. (But it was true at one time.) The wife of a deacon today is not called a deaconess. She should be referred to as "Mrs. Jones", or "Louise", if you are on familiar terms. She remains a lay member of the parish. Some deacons' wives lament that people treated them differently after their husbands were ordained. This need not be so.

In the early church, the wife of a deacon was referred to as a deaconess. (Deaconesses, single or married, were responsible for preserving modesty during female baptisms.) However, married deacons (and married priests in the eastern rites) were expected to practice celibacy. Canon 13 of the Council of Tours (567 AD) states:

"If a presbyter be found with his presbytera or a deacon with his deaconess, or a subdeacon with his subdeaconess, he must be considered excommunicated for a full year and deposed from every clerical office, and know that he is considered among the laity."

5. TRUE. Single men ordained to the diaconate, whether preparing for the priesthood or not, must take a vow of celibacy. They are not allowed to marry. Deacons who are widowed must also observe the norm of celibacy. However, the widow of a deacon may marry with the Church's blessings.

The reason for this is simple. Those ordained to the service of Christ and His Church are called to consecrate themselves to this work with an undivided heart. The sacrament of matrimony and the sacrament of holy orders must not be in competition. A married man is ordained a deacon with his wife's consent. The wife usually participates in the formation and discernment process. This is meant to safeguard against possible friction after ordination.

The virtue of chastity is expected in both married and unmarried deacons. Chastity refers to pure, self-giving love between a man and his spouse. This pure love brings forth physical and spiritual fruit. Married deacons usually have children, the physical fruit of chastity. Bishops, priests and single deacons are celibate in order to devote their fruitfulness to the Kingdom of God. Their spouse is the Church. The Catechism puts it nicely: "accepted with a joyous heart, celibacy radiantly proclaims the reign of God." (1579)

6. TRUE. Only the bishop is allowed to ordain a priest or a deacon. Thus, the deacon has a direct relationship to the bishop. It is the responsibility of the bishop to ensure that deacons are placed in parishes and ministries where their talents and special charisms will bear fruit. In the economy of sacramental order, bishops and priests were first deacons. Their knowledge of the needs of the diocese are crucial to the success of the diaconate.

Placement of deacons should reflect the needs of the faith community.

At the same time, deacons who are placed within a local parish will obviously want to work harmoniously with the pastor and the bishop. Priests, and bishops, do not stop being deacons when they are ordained to the next level of holy orders. They still serve. A deacon is not a mini-priest, nor a glorified altar-boy. By serving the servant, the bishops, priests and deacons will ground their relationship within the humble love of Christ.

7. FALSE. It may be that you only see the deacon serving the Church on Sunday during the Mass. Most deacons serve the Church throughout the week in a variety of challenging and wonderful ways. Many deacons are involved in the pastoral care of the ill and dying. Other deacons are spreading the good news of Jesus concretely in soup kitchens, homeless shelters and other social service agencies. Still others reach out to addicts and convicts in prisons and mental health clinics.

Parish-based deacons help to encourage lay ministry within the parish, and actively promote service to the world. Indeed, a deacon is expected to help a parish encounter and address the needs of the local community. In many dioceses, priests who request a deacon to be appointed to their parish are on a waiting list. We can only expect this trend to continue, with the shortage of priests growing yearly.

8. FALSE. The main function of the deacon is to imitate Christ as a sign and sacrament of service. Parishes, and deacons, are called to be Christ's hands, feet and mouth in the world. Most people will acknowledge that often our parishes fall far short of this goal. The focus of the deacon is to serve in such a way that encourages each and every Christian to imitate Christ.

Lectors, lay eucharistic ministers, acolytes, and other lay persons need not feel threatened by the presence of a deacon. The deacon is not a lay person, he is a member of the clergy. His primary focus is to highlight needs that are not being met within the life of the community. Strong lay participation in a parish may negate the need for a deacon. (And this would delight the deacon, you can be sure!) The exception to this may be parishes with no priest. There have been deacons assigned to such parishes in recent years.

9. TRUE. The formation programs are separate. Deacons undergo a formation that takes approximately three - five years; formation for a priest is generally a year or two longer. Deacons and priests learn many of the same things, such as the study of the bible, church history, interpersonal dynamics, liturgics, and theology. However, deacons and priests are preparing for distinctly different forms of service. Also, the deacon must learn to balance the demands of family, secular job and formation.

The sacrament of holy orders is irrevocable. It is extremely important that the discernment of a call be confirmed prior to ordination. In most dioceses, the number of deacon candidates accepted for ordination is a small percentage of those who apply for admission to the program.

10. TRUE. There are over 11,000 deacons in the United States, and about 20,000 deacons world-wide. When the permanent diaconate was restored, it was expected to grow fastest in third world countries. However, the most notable growth has been in the United States and Germany.

There are several reasons for this growth. The Church in America is blessed with excellent educational and financial resources. The enthusiastic reception of Vatican II reforms in the United States gave added impetus to the proliferation of vocations to the diaconate. The spiritual need of the Church in America has never been greater. I like to think that God has raised up deacons in America to remind us that the power of the Holy Spirit is stronger than the forces of evil in our midst.


How did you do? Here's the grading scale:

10 out of 10 correct: Wow! You must be a deacon or the wife of one!

At least 8 correct: Very good. Your knowledge of the diaconate needs to be shared with friends and family!

At least 5 correct: Not bad-- some of the questions were tricks, anyway! You might have learned a thing or two from this test.

Less than 4 correct: Maybe those trick questions were too unfair! In any case, you might be interested in the following books: The Deacon in the Church, by Lynn Swanson (Alba House (800) 343-ALBA); Permanent Deacons: Who They Are and What They Do by Henry Libersat (booklet from Liguori Publications available in most Catholic bookstores); Permanent Deacons: Guidelines on their Formation and Ministry (Publication 974-2, USCC, (800) 235-8722.)

Taken from the May 14, 1995 issue of "Catholic Twin Circle." For subscriptions contact: Catholic Twin Circle, P.O. Box 260380, Encino, CA 91426-0380, (800) 421-3230.

Have you ever lied aked the Lord - Yes, Lord - I forgive you

One day, a man, his heart heavy with grief, was walking in the woods. As he thought about his life this day, he knew many things were not right. He thought about those who had lied about him back when he had a job.

His thoughts turned to those who had stolen his things and cheated him. He remembered family that had passed on. His mind turned to the illness he had, that no one could cure. His very soul was filled with anger, resentment, and frustration.

Standing there this day, searching for answers he could not find, knowing all else had failed him, he knelt at the base of an old oak tree to seek the one he knew would always be there. And with tears in his eyes, he prayed:

"Lord- You have done wonderful things for me in this life. You have told me to do many things for you, and I happily obeyed. Today, you have told me to forgive. I am sad, Lord, because I cannot, I don't know how. It is not fair Lord, I didn't deserve these wrongs that were done against me and I shouldn't have to forgive. As perfect as your way is Lord, this one thing I cannot do, for I don't know how to forgive. My anger is so deep Lord, I fear I may not hear you, but I pray you teach me to do the one thing I cannot do:
Teach me to forgive ."

As he knelt there in the quiet shade of that old oak tree, he felt something fall onto his shoulder. He opened his eyes. Out of the corner of one eye, he saw something red on his shirt. He could not turn to see what it was because where the oak tree had been was a large square piece of wood in the ground. He raised his head and saw two feet held to the wood with a large spike through them.

He raised his head more, and tears came to his eyes as he saw Jesus hanging on a cross. He saw spikes in His hands, a gash in His side, a torn and battered body, deep thorns sunk into His head. Finally he saw the suffering and pain on His precious face. As their eyes met, the man's tears turned to sobbing, and Jesus began to speak.

"Have you ever told a lie?" He asked?

The man answered - "Yes, Lord."

"Have you ever been given too much change and kept it?"

The man answered - "Yes. Lord." And the man sobbed more and more.

"Have you ever taken something from work that wasn't yours?" Jesus asked?

And the man answered, "Yes, Lord."

"Have you ever sworn, using my Father's name in vain?"

The man, crying now, answered - "Yes, Lord."

As Jesus asked many more times, "Have you ever"? The man's crying became uncontrollable, for he could only answer - "Yes, Lord".

Then Jesus turned His head from one side to the other, and the man felt something fall on his other shoulder He looked and saw that it was the blood of Jesus. When he looked back up, his eyes met those of Jesus, and there was a look of love the man had never seen or known before.

Jesus said, "I didn't deserve this either, but I forgive you."

It may be hard to see how you're going to get through something, but when you look back in life, you realize how true this statement is.

Read the following first line slowly and let it sink in.


If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

I have had a rough couple of weeks - due to the death of several wonderful and much loved people in my life and the news that a few more now suffer from health problems - this showed up in my mailbox right on time - Jesus has been reading my emails again.